Fact: It is still 2009 as I click away at the keys here but by the time you read this, our transition into 2010 will have been official and, if Nicolas Cage’s latest movie is at all accurate, we’ll be only two years away from the end of time as we know it. Not to worry though, there will certainly be more pressing issues at hand by the time this column pollutes cyber space. Among these is that pesky holiday known for naked cherubs, boxes of chocolates, and big pink hearts. That’s right folks, if you’re reading this, Valentines Day is fast approaching and if you’re anything like me, you probably have no idea what to get that special someone who’s expecting something special. To help take some of the stress off your shoulders, allow me to present to you the official mountain biker’s wish list good for Valentines Day, birthdays, hell any day considering we may only have a little less than two years left on earth.

Without further ado:

Chocolate Shaped Bicycles

Keep your hearts, spheres and cubes; I think it would be really cool if someone gave me chocolate candy in the shape of a bicycle. Preferably a 2010 Salsa Big Momma if possible. Since I know of no companies currently offering this tasty treat, it may have to be something you would have to construct from a custom mold. From there you would have to melt down those delicious chocolate discs, pour the flowing river of smooth cocoa into your mold, harden in the fridge, then pop out carefully so as not to damage the delicate spokes, cables, or chocolate chain. Art like this is almost too pretty to eat, but I would definitely be willing to give it a try.

Custom Candy Hearts

As a kid I was a big fan of those little pale chalky hearts that tasted kind of like Necco Wafers. A lot of the appeal of these things was the little messages they had painted across them. You know, gems like “Be Mine”, “I Heart U”, “Luv”- it wasn’t exactly poetry but it got the point across. Now, how cool would it be if they said things like, “Go Big”, “Huck U”, or “I Heart Rock Gardens”? Again though the trouble is apparently no companies out there have realized the potential in tapping into the mountain bike crowd. Looks like again the creative gift giver here is going to have to painstakingly remove the stock writing then, with a very steady hand, paint on the custom wording using food coloring and a toothpick. Boy that would be special!

Freestyle Teddy Bears

I’ll be honest, a lot of the allure of the teddy bear waved goodbye to me at around the age of 6. However, since these are still a hot item on the V-Day gift list, why not make the most of it by customizing a bear to represent the sport? Imagine a small Bell helmet carefully fastened beneath that furry chin, a miniature Camelback strapped across the shoulders, and a pair of mirrored Ryders sunglasses resting on the snout. That would be sweet! Don’t ask me where to find all of the miniature gear though, I only dream this stuff up; making it a reality is your problem.

In all Seriousness

All right, let me address the 99% of you out there who are thinking yeah right, like I’m really going to go through all that trouble. There is no shortage of cool little goodies that will dazzle the rider in your life that require absolutely no creativity whatsoever: Energy bars, gels, sports drinks, gummies, tubes, multitools, patch kits.. the list is endless and unlike the “traditional” Valentines Day goodies, this stuff won’t make your cavities hurt.